Not all Men are Pigs!!

Dear Angie,

Do you think a man can ever be truly, 100% faithful?

Signed, Wondering in Wallingford


Dear Wonderer,

Yes.

However, that one man who can be truly, 100% faithful is married to me.

Sorry, Angie

He's a Clinger...Not!

Dear Angie,

I've been arguing with my wife about laundry. I want her to use liquid fabric softener as well as dryer sheets. She says they're the same thing, so she only has to use one or the other.

What do you think?

Signed, Clingy in Canton


Dear Clinger,

I only use the sheets. Why double up? That stuff's expensive.

Plus, isn't the perfume smell on your clothes driving the guys in the office wild?

Love, Angie

Butt, butt, butt...

Dear Angie,

My husband has been hounding me to quit smoking. He won't let me smoke in the house now!! If he finds my cigarettes, he throws them away. What's the point of quitting now? I've been smoking for 15 years. Isn't the damage already done?

Signed, Pam wants to keep Puffing


Dear Pam,

It's likely that you've already done damage, that's true. However, if you quit, you can start reversing some of that damage. And, your overall health will improve as well.

Not to mention that you won't reek like an overflowing ashtray the morning after a keg party.

Love, Angie

Mommy. Needs. Help. Now.

Dear Angie,

Please help me. My kids are making me crazy. Every time I walk into the bathroom, it looks like a cyclone hit it. There is water everywhere, towels, washcloths, hair product, straightening irons, curling irons, toothpaste...HELP ME!!! It never ends. I've asked them to clean up after themselves, I've yelled, and I've punished, yet nothing works.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Signed, At Wit's End


Dear Mental Mommy,

Calm. Down.

This is part of that thing you viewed longingly and lovingly: Motherhood.

If only there was a Kid Whisperer. I have two...no, three...suggestions.

First: Have another bathroom put in, just for the kids. Then you'll never know.

If that's cost-prohibitive, try my second suggestion: Next time you walk into that pigpen, take everything that isn't where it should be and hide it. Don't start doling out towels and curling irons and hairspray until things change.

If this doesn't work, go to your doctor and tear into a rant about your kids. You'll be getting Mommy's Little Helper in no time. In fact, you might want to skip Options 1 and 2 and go directly to your PCP.

Sweet dreams, Angie

To Enhance or not to Enhance...

Dear Angie,

I'm considering getting implants. At present, I am a small B, and my breasts are ugly. They're not perfect and round and perky like other women.

Should I?

Signed, Saggy in Springfield


Dear SiS,

If you can afford breast implants -- and have someone to help you through the recovery -- then, by all means, go for it.

I support every woman's right to have perfect boobies.

Here's to 'em, Angie

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...cinco.

Dear Angie,

What the heck is Cinco de Mayo?

Signed, Confused in Clifton


Dear CinC,

Cinco de Mayo is the 5th of May. Duh.

Don't worry about what it signifies. Just make some fajitas and pour yourself a margarita.

Adios, Angie

Midol & Merlot...

Dear Angie,

I am at my wit’s end. Lately, it seems like my wife cries constantly, for no reason. She’s only 36, so I don’t thing she’s going through “the change.”

What do you think it is?

Signed, Helpless Hubby

Dear Helpless,

Maybe you’re insensitive and she’s at her wit’s end.

Do you pay attention to her and show her compassion?

If all else fails, start a new tradition: A glass of wine every evening might take the edge off. Especially if you slip a Midol in it.

Love, Angie

Family, shmamily.

Dear Angie,

I sure hope you know the answer to this question. I want to know why you're not allowed to dislike your family members.

I have a couple of cousins who make me sick. I can't stand going to family functions because they'll be there. If I see them in public, I do my best to avoid them so that I don't have to interact with them. The other day, I saw my cousin crossing the street and I turned left even though I needed to go right, just so he wouldn't spot me.

What rule is there that I have to like my family?

Signed, Fed Up with Family


Dear Fed Up,

There is no such rule, and I've checked the rule book.

If your cousin is a loser and you feel like you get dumber just by being in his presence, by all means, avoid him like he's got the Swine Flu.

I think family should have to prove their worth just like any Joe off the street. You don't have to be chummy with the jackass just because your DNA bears some similar traits.

Hate with abandon, my friend.

Good for you, Angie

Oh, the sweet melody

Dear Angie,

Every morning around 6am, I am awakened by the sound of birds singing in my ear. There is an awning over the window, and birds tend to perch on an inside ledge to hang out and chat. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I think it sounds beautiful.

However, at that time, my husband is getting ready for work and their non-stop singing makes him crazy. He throws stuff at the window to frighten them off.

I don't really have a question, because I'm pretty sure he's going to win this battle, right?

Signed, Music Lover


Dear ML,

Your husband is going to win. He is meaner and more aggressive.

If you attempt to engage him in this battle, he may just throw you through the window to scare them off. Just stay in bed and keep your beak shut.

Sorry, Angie

It is what it is.

Dear Angie,

I just found out an old friend of mine is cheating on his wife. I had no idea that he played around. What should I do?

Signed, Conflicted Compadre

Dear CC,

What is there to be conflicted about?

Your friend is a POS.

Tell him so.

Love, Angie

Cash Bar for the Reception...

Dear Angie,

My fiancé is driving me nuts. I wouldn’t say she has a drinking problem, but when she drinks, she acts stupid. She hangs all over people, talks nonstop, and sometimes even falls down. She gets really obnoxious and it’s embarrassing. How can I get her to stop?

Signed, Concerned Boyfriend

Dear BF,

So you’re about to marry “Drunk Girl,” huh? That’s awesome.

Maybe this is something she’ll grow out of. Most do.

Until then, try out-drinking her. By the time she is making a fool of herself, you’ll be half in the bag and her shenanigans won’t bother you a bit.

Cheers, Angie

Cut it short already!

Dear Angie,

I need help. For the second time this year, my next door neighbor has mowed my lawn. He does his grass then does mine. I usually pay a kid to mow the lawn but my neighbor likes it to be super short, and he doesn’t want mine to detract from how good his looks, I guess. It’s kind of embarrassing. What should I do?

Signed, Good Neighbor

Dear Mediocre Neighbor,

I think your neighbor is trying to tell you something. The first time this happened should have been enough of a hint. Try following this game plan…thank your neighbor, then take him a Bundt cake (everybody likes Bundt cake).

Next, get a hold of the kid who cuts your grass. Tell him to get off his ass and cut your lawn once a week. It might cost you a few extra bucks, but isn’t it worth it to be able to leave the house without the cover of darkness, for fear of embarrassment?

Good luck, Angie

Forget the Aspirin...She Needs an Aphrodisiac!

Dear Angie,

I don't know what to do. My wife is constantly sick. She turns me down for sex all the time, because she has a headache or back pain or cramps or something.

I don't think she's faking. But I still have needs! We've only had sex once in the last month. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate Dave


Dear Dave,

It sounds like your wife is one sick puppy. If she isn't faking, as you believe, then I suggest you be a supportive and doting husband and suffer through it. After all, she is your wife, and she needs you.

If she is faking, however, then I gotta give it to the gal. She must be the next Meryl Streep.

Either way, the only thing I can recommend is taking matters into your own hands, so to speak. There really is no other option.

After all, a few moments of satisfaction isn't worth the guilt, betrayal, and heartache that infidelity bring.

Good luck, Angie

Married Men are a Challenge...to live with

Dear Angie,

I work with a woman who is constantly flirting with guys in the office. The problem is, all the attractive guys are married or have girlfriends. But that doesn't stop her. It's annoying, watching her traipse from office to office, making a spectacle of herself.

What should I do?

Signed, Fed-up Frannie


Dear Fran,

Your co-worker is annoying. Unfortunately, there are women in the world who get their kicks from married (or otherwise attached) men, and no amount of well-intentioned advice will get her to change her ways.

Women who chase after married men think they're a challenge. They get a thrill (and a boost to their own ego) when a man who has committed himself to another woman violates his vows for her sake.

I could never understand that. After all, what is so challenging about getting the attention of a man who spends his nights lying next to a woman in flannel pajamas with rollers in her hair?

Nothing, that's what.

Love, Angie

Take the Trash OUT...not Home!

Dear Angie,

My boyfriend keeps bringing home stuff he finds in the trash. It’s not even stuff we need! We have about four end tables. Last week, he came home with a piano. We don’t know how to play anything other than chopsticks.

I think he has some type of compulsion. He refuses to pass anything up, and if we can’t use it, he jams it into the garage, which is overflowing with junk. How can I get him to stop?

Signed, Junkie Janie

Dear Janie,

I’d also say he has a compulsion.

Maybe you could suggest going into business. You could take the stuff you don’t need to a consignment shop, where you can get upwards of 60 percent of the selling price.

I assume he drives some type of truck. Perhaps you can convince him to trade it in for a Prius. They’re more fuel-efficient, good to the environment, and you can’t fit any furniture in there. Everyone wins!

Love, Angie

I Just Want to Dance!

Dear Angie,

After watching last night’s premiere of Dancing with the Stars, I’ve decided that I want to take ballroom dancing lessons with my husband. He said there was no chance he would ever take dancing lessons because it’s “gay.”

How can I get him to change his mind?

Signed, Dying to Doble

Dear Doble Desperado,

I’m with you, girlfriend, except I’ve felt this way since watching Jason Taylor and Cristian De La Fuente in Season 6.

Rawwwwwr.

Well, maybe if you can get him to watch the show with you, he’ll see how hot and bothered you get...and then he just might come around.

If nothing else, you two can mambo your way into the bedroom and get all hot and bothered between the sheets.

Good luck, Angie

She's a Wanderer...

Dear Angie,

When my husband and I have sex, I find myself fantasizing. I’m not fantasizing about an old boyfriend or anyone I know; it’s just an anonymous man who ravishes my body. I don’t know why I do it, because my husband is great in bed.

How do I stop?

Signed, Wandering Mind

Dear Wanderer,

I’m not sure why you do it either. In fact, it doesn’t make any sense.

My diagnosis: You’re a nympho.

Old-fashioned sex with a good lover isn’t enough for you, apparently. You have to step up the sexual energy by imagining that a man is ravishing your body.

I would recommend nipping this in the bud so that you can go back to actually enjoying your husband’s love-making skills. Of course, you could try to spice things up in the bedroom (or any room, for that matter) by encouraging your husband to ravish your body.

Love, Angie

Never a bride, never a bridesmaid

Dear Angie,

My boyfriend and I have to go to a wedding this weekend. We probably won't know many people there.

Should we just sit at our table and talk to each other? Should we just talk to the people we know? Or should we mingle and try to be friendly with everyone?

Signed, Weddings Suck


Dear Wedding Crusher,

Allow me to make two observations.

First, are you a little spiteful that you're not the one getting married? It sounds like you might be.

Second, do you have some type of social phobia disorder? I mean, really.

I recommend that you not obsess over it too much. Take things as they come.

Sure, talk to some folks you know. If the opportunity presents itself, feel free to have a conversation with someone you don't know.

Of course, if you strike out on both of those options, then you and your boyfriend can rehash the last dozen conversations you've had. Now that sounds like fun.

Love, Angie

Give me my Mainstream!

Dear Angie,

Whenever my friend watches an awards show (like The Oscars), she suddenly pretends to be very in tune with the entertainment world. She starts watching all the indie, art-house films and name-drops like she’s an insider.

I mean, have you ever heard of Auf Der Strecke? And who the hell cares about Danny Boyle and Dustin Lance Black? I mean, they’ve never even been nominated before, so why is she acting like they’re household names?

Signed, Oscar Angst

Dear Angster,

I have not heard of that movie. Wait, that’s a movie, right?

And, as for the others, well…Boyle also directed Trainspotting, if that matters to you.

Black, interestingly enough, is involved with Big Love, the HBO series. He is also a former Mormon, as I’ve just learned from Imdb.

It sounds like your friend can be annoying. I’m sorry for that.

You could try to avoid her for a week or two after any major awards show. Regardless, chin up. After all, movie award season is over.

Love, Angie

Dear Angie,

I have become obsessed with Craigslist. I can find everything there. And sometimes it’s even free!

Last week, I got three pounds of fresh scrapple from a woman who had a pig butchered and realized she didn’t like scrapple.

My boyfriend doesn’t like Craigslist and thinks I shouldn’t get stuff that I find there. What do you think?

Signed, Craig Groupie

Dear Groupie,

Your question raises a few issues.

For one thing, I share your boyfriend’s concerns but only as they pertain to safety. After all, it’s not exactly smart to traipse over to a stranger’s house simply because they’ve posted a free ad. Be safe and use your head.

Second, you seem quite gung-ho about Craigslist. For a second, I thought you worked for them.

Finally, I’ve never seen someone who likes Scrapple so much. It’s not the healthiest meat around, ya know. Be safe and use your head.

Love, Angie