Never a bride, never a bridesmaid

Dear Angie,

My boyfriend and I have to go to a wedding this weekend. We probably won't know many people there.

Should we just sit at our table and talk to each other? Should we just talk to the people we know? Or should we mingle and try to be friendly with everyone?

Signed, Weddings Suck


Dear Wedding Crusher,

Allow me to make two observations.

First, are you a little spiteful that you're not the one getting married? It sounds like you might be.

Second, do you have some type of social phobia disorder? I mean, really.

I recommend that you not obsess over it too much. Take things as they come.

Sure, talk to some folks you know. If the opportunity presents itself, feel free to have a conversation with someone you don't know.

Of course, if you strike out on both of those options, then you and your boyfriend can rehash the last dozen conversations you've had. Now that sounds like fun.

Love, Angie

Give me my Mainstream!

Dear Angie,

Whenever my friend watches an awards show (like The Oscars), she suddenly pretends to be very in tune with the entertainment world. She starts watching all the indie, art-house films and name-drops like she’s an insider.

I mean, have you ever heard of Auf Der Strecke? And who the hell cares about Danny Boyle and Dustin Lance Black? I mean, they’ve never even been nominated before, so why is she acting like they’re household names?

Signed, Oscar Angst

Dear Angster,

I have not heard of that movie. Wait, that’s a movie, right?

And, as for the others, well…Boyle also directed Trainspotting, if that matters to you.

Black, interestingly enough, is involved with Big Love, the HBO series. He is also a former Mormon, as I’ve just learned from Imdb.

It sounds like your friend can be annoying. I’m sorry for that.

You could try to avoid her for a week or two after any major awards show. Regardless, chin up. After all, movie award season is over.

Love, Angie

Dear Angie,

I have become obsessed with Craigslist. I can find everything there. And sometimes it’s even free!

Last week, I got three pounds of fresh scrapple from a woman who had a pig butchered and realized she didn’t like scrapple.

My boyfriend doesn’t like Craigslist and thinks I shouldn’t get stuff that I find there. What do you think?

Signed, Craig Groupie

Dear Groupie,

Your question raises a few issues.

For one thing, I share your boyfriend’s concerns but only as they pertain to safety. After all, it’s not exactly smart to traipse over to a stranger’s house simply because they’ve posted a free ad. Be safe and use your head.

Second, you seem quite gung-ho about Craigslist. For a second, I thought you worked for them.

Finally, I’ve never seen someone who likes Scrapple so much. It’s not the healthiest meat around, ya know. Be safe and use your head.

Love, Angie

And baby makes...10? Yeah, right.

Dear Angie,

I want to have a baby. The thing is, I’m 39 and I already have three kids. My youngest is 12. I told my best friend, and she thinks I need my head examined.

My boyfriend, who is several years older than me, has four kids. He doesn’t want to have any more.

I’ve already had my tubes tied, but I want to have it reversed.

How can I get my boyfriend to come around?

Signed, Itching to be a Mommy Again

Dear Don’t Scratch that Itch,

You can’t make him come around. Your boyfriend’s using his head.

The surgery to which you refer is a) not cheap and b) not a guarantee that you will get pregnant. And, let’s face it, at your age, a pregnancy would be high-risk.

Honestly...you have seven kids between the two of you. Enough’s enough, already.

Why do you want to have a baby so badly?

You don’t have to have a baby to prove anything or validate the love you share with your boyfriend.

If none of this gets through, try this: Tonight, when your boyfriend gets home from work, tell him to pack a bag. Take him on a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Poconos or Atlantic City for the weekend. Enjoy yourself and each other.

Then, on the drive home, remind yourself that you’re only able to do things like this because you don’t have an infant at home who requires round-the-clock bottle feedings and diaper changes.

You’re welcome.

Love, Angie

You Can't Make Me!

Dear Angie,

I’m not real big into going to church. In fact, I haven’t been to church (other than funerals and weddings) in about 10 years. I spent my whole childhood going to church (I went to Catholic school) and I never got anything out of it.

Here’s the problem. My boyfriend is a practicing Catholic and goes to church every Sunday. So far, he hasn’t pressured me to go. However, I figure it’s only a matter of time. Can our relationship survive this difference?

Signed, Don't Make Me

Dear I Won't Make You,

Probably not.

Love, Angie

As long as you're not Grumpy...

Dear Angie,

While visiting friends in Minnesota, I slipped on the ice and broke my ankle in two places. I had two pins put in my ankle. I’m on several medications to ease the pain.

The problem is, I’m on so much medication that I feel like I’m in a daze. I’m kinda dopey most of the time and I always have the munchies. My favorite thing to do is sleep. What should I do?

Signed, Dopey wants to be Doc

Dear Sleepy,

I’m not sure I understand your question.

What should you do about what? Being doped up all the time and eating Doritos and cookies? Don’t let me forget the part where you take naps all day long.

This doesn’t sound like a problem. You have a legitimate medical problem and you’re taking what’s been prescribed. The rest is just a perk.

Go with it.

Love, Angie

Pick mine!

Dear Angie,

I hope you can settle something.

My brother and I can’t agree on who is better on The Office: Stanley or Jim.

I like Jim and my brother likes Stanley. Who do you think is better?

Signed, Pam

Dear Beasley,

Oddly enough, I have been watching my DVDs of The Office, so I think I’m in a unique position to answer this.

Jim is non-aggressive and indecisive. He also makes faces a lot.

Stanley is stubborn and disagreeable. He’s also a closet ragehead.

That being said, why don’t you go out on a limb and choose a less popular character to be your favorite?

How about Packer? He’s assertive and independent. And he’s always good for a joke. Now there’s someone you can admire.

Just kidding. Jim is better, of course. What a silly question.

Love, Angie