Cut it short already!

Dear Angie,

I need help. For the second time this year, my next door neighbor has mowed my lawn. He does his grass then does mine. I usually pay a kid to mow the lawn but my neighbor likes it to be super short, and he doesn’t want mine to detract from how good his looks, I guess. It’s kind of embarrassing. What should I do?

Signed, Good Neighbor

Dear Mediocre Neighbor,

I think your neighbor is trying to tell you something. The first time this happened should have been enough of a hint. Try following this game plan…thank your neighbor, then take him a Bundt cake (everybody likes Bundt cake).

Next, get a hold of the kid who cuts your grass. Tell him to get off his ass and cut your lawn once a week. It might cost you a few extra bucks, but isn’t it worth it to be able to leave the house without the cover of darkness, for fear of embarrassment?

Good luck, Angie

Forget the Aspirin...She Needs an Aphrodisiac!

Dear Angie,

I don't know what to do. My wife is constantly sick. She turns me down for sex all the time, because she has a headache or back pain or cramps or something.

I don't think she's faking. But I still have needs! We've only had sex once in the last month. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate Dave


Dear Dave,

It sounds like your wife is one sick puppy. If she isn't faking, as you believe, then I suggest you be a supportive and doting husband and suffer through it. After all, she is your wife, and she needs you.

If she is faking, however, then I gotta give it to the gal. She must be the next Meryl Streep.

Either way, the only thing I can recommend is taking matters into your own hands, so to speak. There really is no other option.

After all, a few moments of satisfaction isn't worth the guilt, betrayal, and heartache that infidelity bring.

Good luck, Angie

Married Men are a Challenge...to live with

Dear Angie,

I work with a woman who is constantly flirting with guys in the office. The problem is, all the attractive guys are married or have girlfriends. But that doesn't stop her. It's annoying, watching her traipse from office to office, making a spectacle of herself.

What should I do?

Signed, Fed-up Frannie


Dear Fran,

Your co-worker is annoying. Unfortunately, there are women in the world who get their kicks from married (or otherwise attached) men, and no amount of well-intentioned advice will get her to change her ways.

Women who chase after married men think they're a challenge. They get a thrill (and a boost to their own ego) when a man who has committed himself to another woman violates his vows for her sake.

I could never understand that. After all, what is so challenging about getting the attention of a man who spends his nights lying next to a woman in flannel pajamas with rollers in her hair?

Nothing, that's what.

Love, Angie

Take the Trash OUT...not Home!

Dear Angie,

My boyfriend keeps bringing home stuff he finds in the trash. It’s not even stuff we need! We have about four end tables. Last week, he came home with a piano. We don’t know how to play anything other than chopsticks.

I think he has some type of compulsion. He refuses to pass anything up, and if we can’t use it, he jams it into the garage, which is overflowing with junk. How can I get him to stop?

Signed, Junkie Janie

Dear Janie,

I’d also say he has a compulsion.

Maybe you could suggest going into business. You could take the stuff you don’t need to a consignment shop, where you can get upwards of 60 percent of the selling price.

I assume he drives some type of truck. Perhaps you can convince him to trade it in for a Prius. They’re more fuel-efficient, good to the environment, and you can’t fit any furniture in there. Everyone wins!

Love, Angie

I Just Want to Dance!

Dear Angie,

After watching last night’s premiere of Dancing with the Stars, I’ve decided that I want to take ballroom dancing lessons with my husband. He said there was no chance he would ever take dancing lessons because it’s “gay.”

How can I get him to change his mind?

Signed, Dying to Doble

Dear Doble Desperado,

I’m with you, girlfriend, except I’ve felt this way since watching Jason Taylor and Cristian De La Fuente in Season 6.

Rawwwwwr.

Well, maybe if you can get him to watch the show with you, he’ll see how hot and bothered you get...and then he just might come around.

If nothing else, you two can mambo your way into the bedroom and get all hot and bothered between the sheets.

Good luck, Angie

She's a Wanderer...

Dear Angie,

When my husband and I have sex, I find myself fantasizing. I’m not fantasizing about an old boyfriend or anyone I know; it’s just an anonymous man who ravishes my body. I don’t know why I do it, because my husband is great in bed.

How do I stop?

Signed, Wandering Mind

Dear Wanderer,

I’m not sure why you do it either. In fact, it doesn’t make any sense.

My diagnosis: You’re a nympho.

Old-fashioned sex with a good lover isn’t enough for you, apparently. You have to step up the sexual energy by imagining that a man is ravishing your body.

I would recommend nipping this in the bud so that you can go back to actually enjoying your husband’s love-making skills. Of course, you could try to spice things up in the bedroom (or any room, for that matter) by encouraging your husband to ravish your body.

Love, Angie

Never a bride, never a bridesmaid

Dear Angie,

My boyfriend and I have to go to a wedding this weekend. We probably won't know many people there.

Should we just sit at our table and talk to each other? Should we just talk to the people we know? Or should we mingle and try to be friendly with everyone?

Signed, Weddings Suck


Dear Wedding Crusher,

Allow me to make two observations.

First, are you a little spiteful that you're not the one getting married? It sounds like you might be.

Second, do you have some type of social phobia disorder? I mean, really.

I recommend that you not obsess over it too much. Take things as they come.

Sure, talk to some folks you know. If the opportunity presents itself, feel free to have a conversation with someone you don't know.

Of course, if you strike out on both of those options, then you and your boyfriend can rehash the last dozen conversations you've had. Now that sounds like fun.

Love, Angie