Oh, the sweet melody

Dear Angie,

Every morning around 6am, I am awakened by the sound of birds singing in my ear. There is an awning over the window, and birds tend to perch on an inside ledge to hang out and chat. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I think it sounds beautiful.

However, at that time, my husband is getting ready for work and their non-stop singing makes him crazy. He throws stuff at the window to frighten them off.

I don't really have a question, because I'm pretty sure he's going to win this battle, right?

Signed, Music Lover


Dear ML,

Your husband is going to win. He is meaner and more aggressive.

If you attempt to engage him in this battle, he may just throw you through the window to scare them off. Just stay in bed and keep your beak shut.

Sorry, Angie

It is what it is.

Dear Angie,

I just found out an old friend of mine is cheating on his wife. I had no idea that he played around. What should I do?

Signed, Conflicted Compadre

Dear CC,

What is there to be conflicted about?

Your friend is a POS.

Tell him so.

Love, Angie

Cash Bar for the Reception...

Dear Angie,

My fiancé is driving me nuts. I wouldn’t say she has a drinking problem, but when she drinks, she acts stupid. She hangs all over people, talks nonstop, and sometimes even falls down. She gets really obnoxious and it’s embarrassing. How can I get her to stop?

Signed, Concerned Boyfriend

Dear BF,

So you’re about to marry “Drunk Girl,” huh? That’s awesome.

Maybe this is something she’ll grow out of. Most do.

Until then, try out-drinking her. By the time she is making a fool of herself, you’ll be half in the bag and her shenanigans won’t bother you a bit.

Cheers, Angie

Cut it short already!

Dear Angie,

I need help. For the second time this year, my next door neighbor has mowed my lawn. He does his grass then does mine. I usually pay a kid to mow the lawn but my neighbor likes it to be super short, and he doesn’t want mine to detract from how good his looks, I guess. It’s kind of embarrassing. What should I do?

Signed, Good Neighbor

Dear Mediocre Neighbor,

I think your neighbor is trying to tell you something. The first time this happened should have been enough of a hint. Try following this game plan…thank your neighbor, then take him a Bundt cake (everybody likes Bundt cake).

Next, get a hold of the kid who cuts your grass. Tell him to get off his ass and cut your lawn once a week. It might cost you a few extra bucks, but isn’t it worth it to be able to leave the house without the cover of darkness, for fear of embarrassment?

Good luck, Angie

Forget the Aspirin...She Needs an Aphrodisiac!

Dear Angie,

I don't know what to do. My wife is constantly sick. She turns me down for sex all the time, because she has a headache or back pain or cramps or something.

I don't think she's faking. But I still have needs! We've only had sex once in the last month. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate Dave


Dear Dave,

It sounds like your wife is one sick puppy. If she isn't faking, as you believe, then I suggest you be a supportive and doting husband and suffer through it. After all, she is your wife, and she needs you.

If she is faking, however, then I gotta give it to the gal. She must be the next Meryl Streep.

Either way, the only thing I can recommend is taking matters into your own hands, so to speak. There really is no other option.

After all, a few moments of satisfaction isn't worth the guilt, betrayal, and heartache that infidelity bring.

Good luck, Angie

Married Men are a Challenge...to live with

Dear Angie,

I work with a woman who is constantly flirting with guys in the office. The problem is, all the attractive guys are married or have girlfriends. But that doesn't stop her. It's annoying, watching her traipse from office to office, making a spectacle of herself.

What should I do?

Signed, Fed-up Frannie


Dear Fran,

Your co-worker is annoying. Unfortunately, there are women in the world who get their kicks from married (or otherwise attached) men, and no amount of well-intentioned advice will get her to change her ways.

Women who chase after married men think they're a challenge. They get a thrill (and a boost to their own ego) when a man who has committed himself to another woman violates his vows for her sake.

I could never understand that. After all, what is so challenging about getting the attention of a man who spends his nights lying next to a woman in flannel pajamas with rollers in her hair?

Nothing, that's what.

Love, Angie

Take the Trash OUT...not Home!

Dear Angie,

My boyfriend keeps bringing home stuff he finds in the trash. It’s not even stuff we need! We have about four end tables. Last week, he came home with a piano. We don’t know how to play anything other than chopsticks.

I think he has some type of compulsion. He refuses to pass anything up, and if we can’t use it, he jams it into the garage, which is overflowing with junk. How can I get him to stop?

Signed, Junkie Janie

Dear Janie,

I’d also say he has a compulsion.

Maybe you could suggest going into business. You could take the stuff you don’t need to a consignment shop, where you can get upwards of 60 percent of the selling price.

I assume he drives some type of truck. Perhaps you can convince him to trade it in for a Prius. They’re more fuel-efficient, good to the environment, and you can’t fit any furniture in there. Everyone wins!

Love, Angie