Pick mine!

Dear Angie,

I hope you can settle something.

My brother and I can’t agree on who is better on The Office: Stanley or Jim.

I like Jim and my brother likes Stanley. Who do you think is better?

Signed, Pam

Dear Beasley,

Oddly enough, I have been watching my DVDs of The Office, so I think I’m in a unique position to answer this.

Jim is non-aggressive and indecisive. He also makes faces a lot.

Stanley is stubborn and disagreeable. He’s also a closet ragehead.

That being said, why don’t you go out on a limb and choose a less popular character to be your favorite?

How about Packer? He’s assertive and independent. And he’s always good for a joke. Now there’s someone you can admire.

Just kidding. Jim is better, of course. What a silly question.

Love, Angie

Give me Felix Unger!

Dear Angie,

The woman in the cubicle next to me is making me crazy. All winter long, she sniffs constantly. And, I don’t mean little baby-like sniffles. I'm talking long, deep snorts. It’s an eight-hour dramatization of The Odd Couple, although I think I’d prefer that guy.

How can I address this without being rude?

Signed, I Need a New Cubicle

Dear Oscar,

I don’t know how effective any of my advice will be. After all, it seems like this should be a no-brainer and, yet, here we are.

For starters, you could keep an extra box of tissues at your desk. Once she starts with her sinus-clearing routine, offer it to her and say something like, “It sounds like you need these more than I do.” Then giggle and maybe throw in a wink.

If that doesn’t work, you might want to consider telling your officemates about this miracle decongestant you’ve found. Go on and on about how it clears you up in no time and make sure you wink at the guilty party.

If none of this works, try to stay patient until spring rolls around. Be grateful you have a job and consider your congested cubicle companion a small price to pay for it.

Love, Angie

It's the laptop or me! (Pick me!)

Dear Angie,

My girlfriend is always on her laptop, even when we’re watching TV! She is obsessed with e-mail and Facebook.

She doesn’t hide it from me, so I don’t think she’s doing anything “wrong.” But I want her to want to spend time with me, not the computer. How can I get her to put me first?

Signed, Ticked over the Technology

Dear Tick,

The Internet sure can be addicting. Trust me.

I’m on my laptop while watching TV right this minute. The only thing that could make this better is if I were texting someone at the same time.

There are a few things you could do.

You could tell your girlfriend exactly what you’ve told me and see if she comes around.

If that doesn’t work, try taking a picture of your naughty bits and e-mail it to her.

If all else fails, get yourself a laptop and your own Facebook account. And, don’t forget to download AIM so you two can IM each other from across the room.

LOL.

Love, Angie

Dear Angie,

I have a real dilemma. I have mono and have been lying around the house for a week now.

I’m losing my mind. What can I do to keep myself occupied?

Signed, Mono Mary

Dear Mary,

Sorry to hear about your illness.

On the bright side, I’ve always wanted to be struck by such a malady to justify my inertia.

That aside, let me recommend the following:

Today for example, the Fresh Prince was on, back-to-back, from 9am-10am. At 10am is Maury, whose show is always “Paternity Results.” It was a toss-up at 11, as Jerry Springer was featuring a pregnant stripper but The Price is Right is always fun.

Nothing’s on at noon, so that’s a splendid time to a) shower, b) eat lunch, and/or c) take a nap. But don’t take too long. At 1, you’ll want to be in front of the TV for Without a Trace.

You could follow up that somber drama with two episodes of Bewitched and two episodes of I Dream of Jeanie. At this point, it’s 4pm, so you could take a quick catnap.

That way, when people get home from their productive day, it won’t appear like you’ve been watching TV all day. Trust me.

Love, Angie

Help! My wife has the remote!

Dear Angie,

My wife is making me crazy. She watches the worst crap on TV.

We hardly ever agree on what to watch, and she always tries to control the remote.

How can I get her to compromise?

Signed, Channel Challenged

Dear Channel Challenger,

Isn’t it possible that you watch the worst crap on TV?

Are you watching CSI: Miami and NCIS and JAG reruns?

Look, it’s rare for a married couple to agree on TV. Why would you? You don’t agree on anything else.

Either suffer silently and let her win this battle or invest in a flat-model TV that you can mount on the kitchen wall.

Then she can watch Dancing with the Stars and The Bachelor and American Idol while she’s making snacks for you two to enjoy separately.

Love, Angie

Oh, sister.

Dear Angie,

I can’t stand my sister. She acts like such a princess. It’s like the world is supposed to revolve around her. She is one of those girls who is always working out, getting her nails done, tanning, and coloring her hair. Don’t even get me started on the clothes.

Unfortunately, I can’t afford to move out, so I’m stuck living with her. How do you deal with someone like this?

Signed, Considering sororicide

Dear Soror,

First off, hats off to you for the use of sororicide. I don’t think I have ever heard that used before. But, I digress.

I think I hate your sister, too. Doesn’t everybody?

Well, except for the silly, mindless twits who are her BFFs and the guys who are dying to peel those $70 Abercrombie jeans off her perfect little body.

I’m getting agitated just thinking about her.

The only thing I can tell you is this: Try to sleep easier knowing that you are smarter, more mature, and more rational.

In the meantime, hope that her credit cards get canceled, she breaks a nail, and her hair turns orange in some freak hair bleach incident.

You have my sympathies.

Love, Angie

My Mother is on MySpace!

Dear Angie,

My mom has a MySpace page. I found it because she forgot to log out when she got off the computer. She has a bunch of friends I don’t know and, from the looks of it, she’s got a whole other life going on.

I’m really torn about what to do. I’m worried that she’ll feel like I violated her privacy or something. Is it even my business? What can I say?

Signed, Mommy Needs Net Nanny

Dear MySpace Monitor,

Hmmm…is it your business? That’s tough. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

I understand that you feel creeped out by your mother’s “dark side.” I’m a little creeped out, too.

I’m not sure how your mother will react if you approach her about her extracurricular activities. It will depend, in large part, on your attitude.

If you express your concerns in a way that does not come across as judgmental or disrespectful, hopefully she will be receptive.

Of course, if her MySpace page is replete with booty shots and inappropriate comments, that’s a different story.

In that case, I hope you’re able to move out soon and forget you ever saw this horrendous display.

Back to your first question. Is it your business? Not really. But it doesn’t make it any less repulsive.