Give me my Mainstream!

Dear Angie,

Whenever my friend watches an awards show (like The Oscars), she suddenly pretends to be very in tune with the entertainment world. She starts watching all the indie, art-house films and name-drops like she’s an insider.

I mean, have you ever heard of Auf Der Strecke? And who the hell cares about Danny Boyle and Dustin Lance Black? I mean, they’ve never even been nominated before, so why is she acting like they’re household names?

Signed, Oscar Angst

Dear Angster,

I have not heard of that movie. Wait, that’s a movie, right?

And, as for the others, well…Boyle also directed Trainspotting, if that matters to you.

Black, interestingly enough, is involved with Big Love, the HBO series. He is also a former Mormon, as I’ve just learned from Imdb.

It sounds like your friend can be annoying. I’m sorry for that.

You could try to avoid her for a week or two after any major awards show. Regardless, chin up. After all, movie award season is over.

Love, Angie

Dear Angie,

I have become obsessed with Craigslist. I can find everything there. And sometimes it’s even free!

Last week, I got three pounds of fresh scrapple from a woman who had a pig butchered and realized she didn’t like scrapple.

My boyfriend doesn’t like Craigslist and thinks I shouldn’t get stuff that I find there. What do you think?

Signed, Craig Groupie

Dear Groupie,

Your question raises a few issues.

For one thing, I share your boyfriend’s concerns but only as they pertain to safety. After all, it’s not exactly smart to traipse over to a stranger’s house simply because they’ve posted a free ad. Be safe and use your head.

Second, you seem quite gung-ho about Craigslist. For a second, I thought you worked for them.

Finally, I’ve never seen someone who likes Scrapple so much. It’s not the healthiest meat around, ya know. Be safe and use your head.

Love, Angie

And baby makes...10? Yeah, right.

Dear Angie,

I want to have a baby. The thing is, I’m 39 and I already have three kids. My youngest is 12. I told my best friend, and she thinks I need my head examined.

My boyfriend, who is several years older than me, has four kids. He doesn’t want to have any more.

I’ve already had my tubes tied, but I want to have it reversed.

How can I get my boyfriend to come around?

Signed, Itching to be a Mommy Again

Dear Don’t Scratch that Itch,

You can’t make him come around. Your boyfriend’s using his head.

The surgery to which you refer is a) not cheap and b) not a guarantee that you will get pregnant. And, let’s face it, at your age, a pregnancy would be high-risk.

Honestly...you have seven kids between the two of you. Enough’s enough, already.

Why do you want to have a baby so badly?

You don’t have to have a baby to prove anything or validate the love you share with your boyfriend.

If none of this gets through, try this: Tonight, when your boyfriend gets home from work, tell him to pack a bag. Take him on a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Poconos or Atlantic City for the weekend. Enjoy yourself and each other.

Then, on the drive home, remind yourself that you’re only able to do things like this because you don’t have an infant at home who requires round-the-clock bottle feedings and diaper changes.

You’re welcome.

Love, Angie

You Can't Make Me!

Dear Angie,

I’m not real big into going to church. In fact, I haven’t been to church (other than funerals and weddings) in about 10 years. I spent my whole childhood going to church (I went to Catholic school) and I never got anything out of it.

Here’s the problem. My boyfriend is a practicing Catholic and goes to church every Sunday. So far, he hasn’t pressured me to go. However, I figure it’s only a matter of time. Can our relationship survive this difference?

Signed, Don't Make Me

Dear I Won't Make You,

Probably not.

Love, Angie

As long as you're not Grumpy...

Dear Angie,

While visiting friends in Minnesota, I slipped on the ice and broke my ankle in two places. I had two pins put in my ankle. I’m on several medications to ease the pain.

The problem is, I’m on so much medication that I feel like I’m in a daze. I’m kinda dopey most of the time and I always have the munchies. My favorite thing to do is sleep. What should I do?

Signed, Dopey wants to be Doc

Dear Sleepy,

I’m not sure I understand your question.

What should you do about what? Being doped up all the time and eating Doritos and cookies? Don’t let me forget the part where you take naps all day long.

This doesn’t sound like a problem. You have a legitimate medical problem and you’re taking what’s been prescribed. The rest is just a perk.

Go with it.

Love, Angie

Pick mine!

Dear Angie,

I hope you can settle something.

My brother and I can’t agree on who is better on The Office: Stanley or Jim.

I like Jim and my brother likes Stanley. Who do you think is better?

Signed, Pam

Dear Beasley,

Oddly enough, I have been watching my DVDs of The Office, so I think I’m in a unique position to answer this.

Jim is non-aggressive and indecisive. He also makes faces a lot.

Stanley is stubborn and disagreeable. He’s also a closet ragehead.

That being said, why don’t you go out on a limb and choose a less popular character to be your favorite?

How about Packer? He’s assertive and independent. And he’s always good for a joke. Now there’s someone you can admire.

Just kidding. Jim is better, of course. What a silly question.

Love, Angie

Give me Felix Unger!

Dear Angie,

The woman in the cubicle next to me is making me crazy. All winter long, she sniffs constantly. And, I don’t mean little baby-like sniffles. I'm talking long, deep snorts. It’s an eight-hour dramatization of The Odd Couple, although I think I’d prefer that guy.

How can I address this without being rude?

Signed, I Need a New Cubicle

Dear Oscar,

I don’t know how effective any of my advice will be. After all, it seems like this should be a no-brainer and, yet, here we are.

For starters, you could keep an extra box of tissues at your desk. Once she starts with her sinus-clearing routine, offer it to her and say something like, “It sounds like you need these more than I do.” Then giggle and maybe throw in a wink.

If that doesn’t work, you might want to consider telling your officemates about this miracle decongestant you’ve found. Go on and on about how it clears you up in no time and make sure you wink at the guilty party.

If none of this works, try to stay patient until spring rolls around. Be grateful you have a job and consider your congested cubicle companion a small price to pay for it.

Love, Angie