Mommy. Needs. Help. Now.

Dear Angie,

Please help me. My kids are making me crazy. Every time I walk into the bathroom, it looks like a cyclone hit it. There is water everywhere, towels, washcloths, hair product, straightening irons, curling irons, toothpaste...HELP ME!!! It never ends. I've asked them to clean up after themselves, I've yelled, and I've punished, yet nothing works.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Signed, At Wit's End


Dear Mental Mommy,

Calm. Down.

This is part of that thing you viewed longingly and lovingly: Motherhood.

If only there was a Kid Whisperer. I have two...no, three...suggestions.

First: Have another bathroom put in, just for the kids. Then you'll never know.

If that's cost-prohibitive, try my second suggestion: Next time you walk into that pigpen, take everything that isn't where it should be and hide it. Don't start doling out towels and curling irons and hairspray until things change.

If this doesn't work, go to your doctor and tear into a rant about your kids. You'll be getting Mommy's Little Helper in no time. In fact, you might want to skip Options 1 and 2 and go directly to your PCP.

Sweet dreams, Angie

To Enhance or not to Enhance...

Dear Angie,

I'm considering getting implants. At present, I am a small B, and my breasts are ugly. They're not perfect and round and perky like other women.

Should I?

Signed, Saggy in Springfield


Dear SiS,

If you can afford breast implants -- and have someone to help you through the recovery -- then, by all means, go for it.

I support every woman's right to have perfect boobies.

Here's to 'em, Angie

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...cinco.

Dear Angie,

What the heck is Cinco de Mayo?

Signed, Confused in Clifton


Dear CinC,

Cinco de Mayo is the 5th of May. Duh.

Don't worry about what it signifies. Just make some fajitas and pour yourself a margarita.

Adios, Angie

Midol & Merlot...

Dear Angie,

I am at my wit’s end. Lately, it seems like my wife cries constantly, for no reason. She’s only 36, so I don’t thing she’s going through “the change.”

What do you think it is?

Signed, Helpless Hubby

Dear Helpless,

Maybe you’re insensitive and she’s at her wit’s end.

Do you pay attention to her and show her compassion?

If all else fails, start a new tradition: A glass of wine every evening might take the edge off. Especially if you slip a Midol in it.

Love, Angie

Family, shmamily.

Dear Angie,

I sure hope you know the answer to this question. I want to know why you're not allowed to dislike your family members.

I have a couple of cousins who make me sick. I can't stand going to family functions because they'll be there. If I see them in public, I do my best to avoid them so that I don't have to interact with them. The other day, I saw my cousin crossing the street and I turned left even though I needed to go right, just so he wouldn't spot me.

What rule is there that I have to like my family?

Signed, Fed Up with Family


Dear Fed Up,

There is no such rule, and I've checked the rule book.

If your cousin is a loser and you feel like you get dumber just by being in his presence, by all means, avoid him like he's got the Swine Flu.

I think family should have to prove their worth just like any Joe off the street. You don't have to be chummy with the jackass just because your DNA bears some similar traits.

Hate with abandon, my friend.

Good for you, Angie

Oh, the sweet melody

Dear Angie,

Every morning around 6am, I am awakened by the sound of birds singing in my ear. There is an awning over the window, and birds tend to perch on an inside ledge to hang out and chat. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I think it sounds beautiful.

However, at that time, my husband is getting ready for work and their non-stop singing makes him crazy. He throws stuff at the window to frighten them off.

I don't really have a question, because I'm pretty sure he's going to win this battle, right?

Signed, Music Lover


Dear ML,

Your husband is going to win. He is meaner and more aggressive.

If you attempt to engage him in this battle, he may just throw you through the window to scare them off. Just stay in bed and keep your beak shut.

Sorry, Angie

It is what it is.

Dear Angie,

I just found out an old friend of mine is cheating on his wife. I had no idea that he played around. What should I do?

Signed, Conflicted Compadre

Dear CC,

What is there to be conflicted about?

Your friend is a POS.

Tell him so.

Love, Angie